And I constantly struggle to give my students the opportunity to learn by doing - to break out of the defective mould that our current public education system has created and imposed on teachers nationwide.

I truly do believe that my job is to cultivate the conditions for growth for each and every student - and what a delicate and complex task! As a teacher (and a person), it is so easy to get lost in the details — I always appreciate being reminded of the bigger picture. So thank you.

P.S. I saw you read at Ti Couz for the mommylit event and have been enjoying your blog ever since. It is a gift. : )

But. That dynamic changed. And for us, I think it changed so early simply because Kristin couldn’t breastfeed. Once Kristin went back to work full-time, and the baby wasn’t being completely sustained by her body, our dynamics evened out. Now, if anything, our daughter is more attached to me (I blogged about this today, how I’m the only one who can get her to sleep — the only one she emphatically wants at night) than to Kristin. And, surprisingly, given how I felt during the pregnancy and when she was born, I’m not thrilled about this.

I think you’re absolutely right that it’s time and circumstance which relegates the lesbian dads and non-bio moms (GOD how I hate that term) to a more peripheral importance in their child’s life. And you’re right as well that patience and understanding are the only antidotes.

Who the “stalked” parent is will go back and forth over time.

I cannot express how much I hope that is true.

I think these early months and years are so hard for both bio and baba mothers. (I think I may start using that instead of the “less than” sounding alternatives like “other” and “non-bio.”) You yearn for that intense connection with the little one that we have by virtue of birth and nursing. We yearn for moments of physical comfort alone.

And although you didn’t address this, one of the other missings in the new baba’s life, as distinct from the new bio’s, is overwhelmng physical intimacy.

Before Noah was born, Jill and I cuddled on the couch together many evenings, and slept spooned together until I was too pregnant for that to work. But during the last 9 months, a growing person has hung from my breasts for hours every day, slept sprawled on my lap, and increasingly climbed, hugged, kissed, pulled and otherwise been a barnacle-like presence on my body for a lot of the time that used to be occupied by cuddling with my wife.

Even back then, sometimes I needed a break. A little time to just have my body to myself. Now, those minutes come at the expense of that cuddle time with Jill. I try to still snuggle with her for a few moments, but some days, I just don’t have it in me. And they’re the hardest days, when Noah has been whiny and fussy and difficult, and both of them need me the most.

Let us hope hope hope that these things will pass. Soon.